I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
