And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
