im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
