Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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