My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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