it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
