im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
