3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
