Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
