I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
