Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
