The maid of honor just puked.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
