As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
