they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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