I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
