I must be too annoying 4 u.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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