absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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