Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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