Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
