I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
