Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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