i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
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