I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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