She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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