I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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