i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
