so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
