I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
