Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
A+ Viking dick
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