people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
