Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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