My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
