apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My penis needs a shock collar
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
