stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Randomize
