If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
