you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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