Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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