see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
