I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
