The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
