if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You are the jesus of drinking
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
