You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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