i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
