I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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