I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
my liver is dry heaving
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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