cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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