kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
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