Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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