watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
