I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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