Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
