He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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